Seven.

If I were still married, today would be my 7th wedding anniversary. It's bittersweet. 7 years ago I thought I was making the best decision, choosing forever, choosing happiness. It's wedding season it seems, and I get a little knot in my stomach whenever couples talk about how happy they are and how long they've made it and been married. I hate that I feel that way. I should be happy for them, for their success and dedication. Bittersweet.

Match.

So... I was almost finished filling out a profile on match.com. I was typing about my love for Christ and how much my church means to me when... My computer decides to restart. Hmm....

Selfish me.

I'm going to be selfish. I'm going to complain or maybe sound needy or irrational.
I'm 31. I have a life that I'm thankful for. I'm beyond blessed. However, there is one empty place in my heart. I'm ready, so ready for it to be filled. I'm ready to fill that place in someone else's heart. But since I've been hurt so much, and I've been alone so much, I've had time to think. Think about what I actually want. And that's where I become selfish.
I want to know what it's like. To have a man look at me and see no one else. I know I'm not gorgeous. However, have I become jaded? What in the world is wrong? Am I too needy? I realize I expect too much from people. That will not change. I deserve the best and there is a part of me that realizes that since my standards are so high, people to the left and right of me will find beautiful relationships where as I continue to search and fail. Those people were not meant for me. God knows what the heck He is doing. I mean, seriously. He whispered all of the stars and all of creation in one single breath. But still. The human part in me is just sitting here thinking "really? REALLY? What is wrong with me? I love God, I'm a faithful woman, I love my church, I love my daughter, I love animals, and seriously? Nothing." I just keep getting signals to stop before I even begin. So frustrating.
So I wait. No. I surrender. White flag is raised.
These are just thoughts that go through me head now and then. It is almost like all the good guys are already gone. I missed out I suppose!

YOU

           Love unfailing truth unchanging
           I depend on You

Faithful Father peace foreverI will rest in You
Unshakable my hope remainsLord I believe in You
You are strength for those in needYou are defender of the weakYou are everything we needYou are our God You are our God
God of mercy I will live in praise of all You've doneGod eternal by Your power I will overcome
None greater none higherAll praise to God our SaviorUnchanging unfailingAll praise to You our Savior