question.

I'm wasting away.

but not really.

I want an escape,

an easy way out,

with you...

but you won't do it.

you won't make it happen

I can make it happen,

RIGHT NOW

consequences

aren't as bad

as the times we can

make

together

this isn't even what I planned on writing about.

fuck it. I'm going to Miami. I'm taking my daughter, to see her great grandmother.

PLEASE come with me!!!

if you would do just one thing things would be easier for us,

in the moment

and in the future,

you know what it is....

I know you do.

When I come see you

MAKE IT HAPPEN.

please.

it is for the best.

it will make it real,

we will be real


real-er.

I promise.


Believe me!

please??????

Fly.

I want to fly away

into arms

open wide

waiting for my embrace

wanting only me

ready for me.

I will be flying for a long time.

crap.

ouch.

My open wound


just got infected.

shit.

what do I do now?

who?

Hello....

Are you still there? 

ok

ta da

I would like to be suprised.


I forget what that feels like.

H2O.

I can not swim emotionally.

My head does not stay above water.

You

You can swim.

Emotionally.

Teach me.

I beg and plead for attention.

that is the wrong thing to do

It's all I know how to do.

What do I do?

Me. ?

Here am I, typing, not just listing random thoughts, I am here putting words together, making sentences. I'm not so great at writing, I like to think I am. I have fallen. Into a dark place and I am struggling to get out. Every day drags, some more than others, but this is not how I want to be living my life. But it is not about what I want. Will it ever be? What I want involves other people, so it has to be what they want too. So that makes me selfish. Will I continue to live my life wanting this one thing, until my life is over? Will I want my life away? Will I not be able to embrace and engage with what surrounds me, Why must it be so hard? I am willing to make it happen. I will do what it takes to be happy.

Maybe in my next life I will be a goldfish.










There was a time when you let me know,
What's really going on below,
But now you never show it to me do ya.
Well remember when I moved in you,
And the holy dove was moving too,
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

understand.

I hear the words. I read the words. I say them out loud. I understand them. How do you learn how to feel them?

Moderation.

When you feel like you are losing what you love
Nothing

NOTHING

else in life matters.

and that,

is all I know.

Stranger.

Alone
Dark
Needy
Searching
Too much
Distant
Sad.
Selfish
Give up?
Hope?
Wanting
Needing
Wishing
Grasping to
what?
What is there
or is it
It used
to be.
What happened
to this
familiar Stranger
Did
She ever
Know?